Ok, so let me start by saying that what I am about to share largely depends on two factors;
- Our current phase in life
- What we ultimately want
Some months ago, I was in a gathering (of men and women) and the topic of multi-dating came up. I listened to the conversation and as expected, most of the women had the opinion that it was smart to keep their options open and entertain multiple men at a time, until there is commitment. The consensus for the most part was; ‘I am single until there is a commitment.’
As the conversation progressed, I posed a question to the audience. I asked them; ‘if a man is being intentional about a woman and investing his time and energy speaking to her often (daily) as well as taking her on dates….would he be ok with her talking to or dating other men?’
The response from the men came pouring in like a flood, as they chimed in. Their answers were typically; ‘Hell no! Never! No way! She’s for the streets! Not for me, not wife material! I will cut her off!’
I wasn’t really surprised with that feedback, as I already knew that is the male perspective. I just wanted the ladies to hear it.
Men and women are different and think differently.
This is a fact I believe we, women need to pay more attention to, i.e., the Male Perspective….seeing as we would not be dating ourselves. I believe it would benefit women to listen more than we speak, but that is by the way.
Back to the matter.
On this topic of multi-dating, I write from experience – mine and that of others.
I remember a dating experience a man once shared with me. The lady he liked and was being intentional about also liked him but kept her options open. He believed this was because of certain things she wanted from a man that he didn’t seem to possess. He said he would have appreciated if the lady had been upfront with him and let him go, but she didn’t. When he found out that he was being juggled with other men, he pulled back and cut her off, as he wasn’t entertaining multiple women.
Which leads me to say;
No (wo) man of quality wants to know that they are an option.
No (wo) man of quality wants to be juggled with other people.
No (wo) man of quality wants to play second fiddle.
The key word being QUALITY.
…because you see, on these dating streets, we have different types of people.
I must say that the analogy I am about to share applies to both men and women. However, as a lady, I would speak more to the types of men on these streets.
For context, I will put them into two (2) categories. – The Machine Guns and The Snipers
The Machine Gun Man
The Machine Gun type of man is notorious for shooting his shot everywhere, often without a particular aim. He does what my people call; eyi je, eyi o je. What you might term “mini-mini-mani-mo.”
His follows on social media are usually filled with lots of ladies and he is very generous with his likes and comments.
He is the type that slides randomly into the DMs of many ladies, just because.
You can be sure to find him talking to multiple women at a time, usually any lady that catches his eye.
He operates just like a typical machine gun – fire as many random shots as possible and hopefully some of the bullets will hit some game.
Now, the thing with the Machine Gun type of man is that because he is dissipating his energy all over the place like that, there is bound to be casualties.
As expected with a machine gun, the damage is often colossal due to stray bullets.
If a man is talking to 3-5 ladies at a time, he will not treat all of them the same way. He is likely to focus on 1 or 2 that he really likes and breadcrumb the others. We all know how it feels when you being breadcrumbed.
Nobody likes to be stringed along.
When a man does this;
He wastes people’s time
He toys with people’s emotions
He tampers with people’s state of being
He contributes to dysfunction on the dating streets.
Even the Machine Gun man usually ends up with jaded and stereotypical mindsets about women. This is mostly from backlash because the women will eventually react to being mistreated. This causes further issues.
Ladies who entertain Machine Gun type of men or operate in that type of energy also eventually develop Dating Fatigue and tend to say there is “pee in the dating pool”. I mean, go figure!
The Sniper Man
Now, this is the man who knows who he is, knows his purpose, is honest about what he wants and has done the work to curtail his appetite.
There are many options in his sight but his training and discipline have helped him to reserve his bullets (time and energy) strictly for a particular target.
Snipers are usually special ops and they operate on that SWAT kind of level.
This type of man lays lows and moves stealthy; you usually do not see him coming. His view is laser and he is a keen observer, watching until he sights a fitting target.
With the target in sight, he still doesn’t move in immediately because he knows beauty/appearance is only skin deep.
He does some homework and background check, studies the target to tick off some preliminary boxes and determine how best to bridge (approach).
Then he arranges himself and his gear. He places his hands carefully, intentionally on his rifle, waiting for the right time, and then he pulls the trigger.
Snipers rarely miss.
Now, a woman gets to decide if she wants a Sniper or Machine Gun type of man, and it starts with how she herself operates.
There really is no good or bad to these types of men, it all depends on what we want.
Some people just want to have a good time and see what happens, whilst some are particular about what they want and are being intentional.
However, we must understand this;
A Sniper type of man; who knows who he is, what he wants and is intentional in his approach will likely desire a woman who is also intentional.
A Sniper type of man usually does not want a woman who is multi-dating.
A man who is being intentional does not want to be juggled.
That type of man does not like to play second fiddle…and that’s facts.
As we navigate these dating streets, it is important to learn how to discern Snipers from Machine Guns.
I personally entertain only Snipers; Machine Gun men do not see my brake light.
When I see a man operating in the Machine Gun energy, I see a man who is either out to play games, have fun or hasn’t done the work on himself.
A man who has that much time and energy to spend talking to and getting to know multiple women at a go is very suspect to me.
It tells a story of deeper issues.
The Machine Gun type of man typically tends to use women to feed his ego. He could send “Hello Beautiful” texts to 5-10 women in the morning and feed on all the attention and feminine energy he is getting, convincing himself he is a stud.
Contrary to popular belief, I have come to see that entertaining “Machine Gun folks” or operating in “Machine Gun energy” sets one up to be easily played/toyed with.
I know the argument most women give to multi-date is that they don’t want to waste time with a guy who isn’t serious with them.
My question is; why are you even entertaining a guy who isn’t being serious or intentional?!
The rationale that we need to date multiple men at a go so we don’t waste our time is a fallacy, because reality has actually shown that time and energy spent in getting to know 5 men at a time has no guarantee that any of them will actually be serious about you. That is plenty time plus energy still being wasted.
Rather than multi-date, I would encourage both men and women to do the work;
The Work of Self-awareness
It starts with a high level of self-awareness, truly knowing who you are, what you want and what works well for you.
When you have a grasp of this, you will not waste time over-entertaining what isn’t fitting for you.
The Work to be Discerning
Being able to discern Snipers from Machine Guns.
If a woman can learn how to discern a man and his intentions early, she will not waste her time with unserious men (if that is what she wants).
This is about understanding fundamental principles, one of which is that – a man knows what he wants when he sees it, and it doesn’t take that long.
Men instinctively categorize women in the first few interactions.
The problem usually is that some women do not know how to read the signs.
The Work of Discipline
Being able to curtail our appetite, because if we are honest with ourselves, many of the women and men who multi-date crave the attention they get.
If you need to feed on that type of attention, it speaks to some deeper work that needs to be done, and I speak as someone who has been there, so I get it.
Discipline will help you not to over-entertain what you already know isn’t for you, no matter the perks/attention you may be enjoying.
Everything comes with a price.
The Work of Perspective
Where are you operating from?
Are you dating out of loneliness or out of wholeness?
How you view being single?
If you are comfy and actually enjoy being single, you are not likely to be interested in dating randomly to fill voids. Time and energy are way too precious to be dissipated carelessly.
I have heard quite a number of relationship coaches encourage multi-dating.
I do not.
Personally, I believe multi-dating is a cop out, when we don’t want to do the work.
I believe it is a woke phenomenon; an off-shoot of this social media age where we have increased access to lots of people and a mirage of options.
A man doesn’t need to multi-date to find his woman.
A woman doesn’t need to multi-date to protect herself and her time.
I believe multi-dating should be for folks who aren’t really looking to date intentionally, and just want to have a good time.
…and that can be fine, if that is what you want.
Also, contrary to popular belief, not all men multi-date. The men who don’t multi-date, the sniper kind of men usually only want women who aren’t multi-dating.
Remember, a man or woman who is being intentional doesn’t want to be juggled.
A man who is giving intentionality also wants to receive intentionality.
So, if intentionality is what you seek and you are out here multi-dating, you just might actually be shooting yourself in the foot.
First written by Mo’ Omoregee on July 16, 2022.